Take action before Lack of Taking Action takes Care of You…

Welcome to Old Country Strong’s Halloween Edition. A holiday theme isn’t something you see all that often when it comes to OCS, but this project is the brainchild of our own little Carrie Winecoff. When she contacted me about writing this joint piece on “Conditioning for the Zombie Apocalypse,” she didn’t realize what a can of worms she was opening.

Carrie and I believe that strength and conditioning for the Zombie Apocalypse isn’t only a good idea, but is totally essential. We will be having a three part series this week leading up to Halloween. This series will be full of information necessary to survive the coming threat. Remember, it’s not IF the Zombie Apocalypse is going to happen, but when…

The end is upon us, my friends. With genetic testing, toxic pollution, biological weapon development and radiation, it’s only a matter of time before Zombies become a real threat. No longer the stumbling blood lusty morons from the movies, the walking undead will ravage our cities resulting in pandemic hysteria as the human population shrivels. When our social- and infra-structure crumble, when martial law fails and when all dogmatic hopes that someone will cleanse the “evil zombies” from the face of the earth are snuffed, only the toughest will survive. Are you tough enough?

This series will ready you for the foreboding future. We will give you the tools you’ll need to train your body, your mind and your guts to withstand…

T H E   Z O M B I E   A P O C A L Y P S E

The first and arguably most important survival skill is the ability to recognize impending doom. It will be expedient for you to begin tracking the news. You don’t have to listen too closely to notice a few harbingers that could very well save your life. Has there been a recent toxic spill? Solar eclipse? Nuclear plant meltdown? Are the stories littered with words such as “terrorists”, “virus”, “outbreak”, “panic”?

Are murders increasing? Animal maulings? Growing missing person lists?

What goes along with these incidents? Are the “murders” beheadings? Maybe double tap* shootings increase? Maybe these aren’t murders at all. Maybe this is someone who has already recognized the threat and is taking action before lack of action takes care of you.

* “Double tap” – Two bullets fired into a victims head from a fire arm, pistols and assault rifles both apply here. This is where the slang reference “two in the head makes sure they’re dead” comes from.

Are these “animal mauling” victims ever heard from again?
Example: “Local news reports the victim of this alleged tiger bite is fine. Sadly, this station has not been able to reach the victim for their side of the story, as they have decided to return to their family in the lowlands of Bulzaria.”
Be able to spot local and government coverups such as these. Remember, you will not only need a strong body in these dark times, but also a strong mind. And a strong mind knows trust is for the weak. Don’t forget, “take action before lack of taking action takes care of you.”

It’s likely that Z-Day will not happen on Pacific Northwest soil. In the Pac NW, we have a lot of survival advantages in our natural environment. Rivers and lakes are good deterrents for the Re-animated, who can’t swim but can easily move below water. The need for oxygen is no longer a worry for these wandering dead. We have forests and trees for hiding and woodlands to forage for food. Fortunately we even have dense green spaces within our cities.

The pathogen will likely turn larger, more populous cities first, sprawling urban areas such as New York City or Mexico City. But, once the Zombie plague has been un-leased, there is not much time for you to prepare. Again this is when you will need to turn to warning signs. Take action. If flu shots become scarce, local military begins to with draw, heads of state take “extended: vacations. These are warning signs. Big brother is protecting their own ass. They pull everything they may need. In short “they” will abandon “us”. And why not? Washington state is a geographic outpost. It would be easy to leave us to our fates with the Canadians. But the people of the northwest are a hardly folk. Locals are descendants of original NW settlers who were largely loggers. You know who was also a logger? Paul Bunyan*, that’s who. And Paul Bunyan isn’t gonna roll over for anyone. We have the means, but now you need the moves to defend yourself.

*

We have a high number of Crossfitters and lifters in our area. We spend so much time in the gym, we’d want to be on preservation mode. Homeland Security of the Dojo is of utmost importance. Why the gym you ask? Because on Z-day, that’s my first rally point. Why? Have you taken a look around your gym? Ours is full of 200+ pound behemoths with nicknames like “Beastmode” and “GreyBeard”. Gym functions resemble a “usual suspects” line up except Kevin Spacey has a beard, weighs 220 and can squat the house. You need those you can depend on, and if you can’t depend on your local Barbell Club who can you depend on?

But with the size of gyms comes chance of pre-infection. It’s proven that eating massive amounts of meat along with heavy squats will fight off the disease. So who do you watch out for? Quiet simple: tofu junkies (to start, eating tofu is literally one step away from eating brains) and those that consider themselves “long and lean”. Think of it like the Lion King. Stay with me here for a moment. Who did you trust? Large, strong Mufasa or gangly, lean Scar*?

Exactly. The warning signs will be every where. Your gym will house some of the most powerful people in the area. But as stated before, do you count yourself among these gladiators of the now modern zombie infested colosseum? Take the advice from this week’s post and you will take your place among them.


Part 1: A  Carrie & Z Joint Production

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11 Responses to “Take action before Lack of Taking Action takes Care of You…”

  1. southwellj Says:

    I can only hope that the zombie invasion doesn’t take place before parts 2&3 are posted. This shit should be taught in school.

  2. LOVE THIS POST. I always knew there was something wrong with Tofu eaters.

  3. Reason number #1 why a zombie “Apocaylse” will fail: The rest of the food chain.

    Let’s not forget one thing, humans are at the top of the food chain over all other animals. And why? Because we are the destroyers of their world due to technology. We have guns they do not. So now we have zombies but what characteristics do zombies have, animal instincts. They roam around, looking for food, thats about it really. Because of this missing attribute of intelligence they are clearly below humans on the food chain, but what makes them above other animals.

    Let’s start at the bottom, insects. Ever seen an episode of CSI, Grissom is always going into detail about how insects help the decomposition of bodies. So now we have all these corpses just walking around, they will become just an easy target for flies and maggots to start eating. Bye bye eyes, I mean who needs those. Soft tissue is the first to go, muscle not too far away.

    Alright, let’s say that the zombies beat the first boss of the animal kingdom food chain who is next. Here in the Pacific NW alone we have cougars, wolves, bears, and a nice selection of attack dogs. What do all these have in common? They can possibly attack a well armed human and win. How much higher do their odds go up against a non armed zombie. Hell, zombies may have a problem with the feral dogs roaming the Pacific NW.

    And Heaven save the zombies in Africa (what with the lions, elephants, crocidiles, rhinos, hippos,) or Asia (tigers, water buffalos, elephants again, crocidiles again).

    • Good points, dear sir, but you should note from the Resident Evil franchise that the Zombie virus isn’t exclusively human… as dogs, crows and other animals are are vulnerable. Nobody, I mean NOBODY, wants to meet face to face with a Zombie-cougar. Heaven help us.

      You could also cite that the phenomenon is similar to an animal with rabies or mad cow– or some dude in Snohomish county on a 4 day meth bender– though erratic, he’s got crazy strength and is a force to be reckoned with. I suggest you spend less time debating on the finer points of decomposition more time sharpening your shaolin spade.

      • I will start with my rebuttal towards Ms. Wincoff’s comments. First if we are to go off the RE movie series and allow for animals to become infected than we are pretty close to being fucked. If animals can carry and spread the virus than it will destroy the planet’s delicate ecology rather quickly. Now as RE is not the baston of accurate zombie knowledge I suggest we look past this possible occurrence. By the way the Umbrella corporation is like the worse corporation ever.

        As to your second point, I like to talk about the “finer points.” If a zombie becomes super strong and ravenous enough to be able to defeat a bear, that does not bear well to using a shaolin spade, could Johnnie beat a bear with a spade. Probably not.

        And thanks for bringing up rabies. Remember that one time a bunch of raccoons got rabies in NYC and in about a week all of the United States of had animals with rabies running amok. What you don’t remember that. I mean an animal with rabies can spread rabies by biting another animal (see “Old Yeller”). I mean no one is even really monitoring wild animals that well. And you cannot tell the difference between an infected animal and a non infected animal. So that never happened? Hmm, so zombism which is basically super evil rabies but where the infected can be easily detected is supposed to travel from NYC or Mexico City across North America in a short period of time. Right, not a flaw in the zombie logic at all.

      • You missed my pun 😀

  4. Reason #1: Why a big brother needs his “Little” Brother

    I refuse to allow my own brother to become zombie fodder. So yes like Ray Lewis it is my job “to Edjucate these young men.”

    Nickay, poor, sweet, simple Nickay. Don’t let lack of taking action take care of you. There are so many holes in your little statetment I was just waiting for you to reference “Thriller”.

    “You know Zach, we wouldn’t have to worry about zombies getting us because right before they do Zombie Michael Jackson will show up and make them all dance and we can run to safety….”

    Nickay… This is the real world no Zombie Micheal Jackson is going to come save you. And neither will CSI. Grisom may have know dead bodies my friend but he didn’t know the undead. Maggots? Worms? Mircoscopic bacteria that are actually eating at our bodies every day, even as I type. Go ahead take a second to scratch at your skin to fight off the unrentlening attack of those we can’t see. What will really stop this “decaying process”. Nothing unless your undead that is…

    The disease that runs rampant inside a Zombie is deadly to anything that has bodily fluid contact with it. Injestion equals death Nickay. Death with the curse to rise up as one of those gut sucking sons of bitches. In nature animals recognize poison. Bright colors, bitter tastes, smells… all these things show others that something is deadly.

    This is part of some creatures’ natural defense. Nature finds a way Nickay, haven’t you seen Jurassic Park? This is not a batttle we can turn a blind eye to and hope someone else will fix. No bears and wolves won’t save us. I’m glad for that, because I don’t want to run into a zombie Kodiak bear walking down Alki ave.

    And as far as the bugs you can count your lucky stars that they stay clear of the undead. Because mosquitos spread malaria Nick. Is that what you want? Mosiquitos spreading the Zombie virus to thousands of helpless people and children totally unaware of the danger those bites could carry.
    Is that what you really want?

    Mother nature, I salute you for making the animals smarter then us it seems. They except it and adapt. It’s time to evolve Nickay, open your eyes, dont let lack of taking action take care of you.

  5. OMG I don’t even know where to start, but since I’m at work and have a metric shit ton of work to do, I’ll try to keep this brief.

    Post-apocalyptic scenarios have always had a special place in my heart thanks to such diverse works such as ‘The Stand’, ‘I am Legend’ (the book, not the subpar movie version with the shitty ending), and more recently ‘The Road’. However, since we are talking about Zombies, the seminal work ‘World War Z’ by Max Brooks is a must read. After you’ve consumed WWZ, I recommend moving on to the graphic novels ‘The Walking Dead’. If you don’t want to get caught with a comic book in your hand, it has been made into a miniseries on AMC that kicks off on Halloween night. Definitely not for the kiddies, tho- we’re talking NC-17 content here.

    Back to work, but I’ll be monitoring this thread during all of my meetings…

  6. I’m up for rallying at the gym but in the event that one of ya’ll go Zombie and come looking for our tasty traps, wouldn’t we be better off taking a page from Kevin Cosner (usally a good idea anyway) and building a floating strength gym ala Water World? Like you said, the zombies can wander around on the bottom of Elliot Bay feasting on mullusks all they want. Can’t swim? Then you can’t get to The Strength Barge. Think of the GTL!

  7. If this Zombie invasion ever does happen you can find me in Montana, at Forges’ mountain top fortress, I’ll be the one reloading ammo, wearing fur of animals I killed, lifting big rocks and trees to stay OCS, patrolling the perimeter killing anything that doesn’t look kosher. If you want to maximize your survival chances you should come join us.

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