Archive for October 27, 2010

“Take action before Lack of Taking Action takes Care of You…” (Part 2 of 3)

Posted in Articles on October 27, 2010 by oldcountrystrong

Well the cats out of the bag now. You’ve been informed, you’ve heard of the danger, you’ve heard what signs to watch for. You’ve heard the beat of drums calling to be prepared. Are you prepared? Can you start a fire? How about hot wire a car? Have you taken the short amount of time it takes to learn how to deliver a baby? Do you even know how to properly strip a tank?

Come on, I’m not asking you guys to be Rambo here. But wait, maybe I am. I’m asking if you get up in the morning, dry shave with a knife (ladies I could be talking about your legs), look yourself in the mirror and say, “Alright you heaving sexual tyrannosaur, are you ready rip today’s eyes out and piss in it’s skull?”
Well if you don’t maybe you should. Because I bet John Wayne did.

What am I talking about? You have got to be prepared for every day like it’s Z-day! It’s the day that the zombies might come shuffling into YOUR office building and think you look like a KFC Double Down. Are you gonna just lay down and roll over Double Down boy? Hell no! You’re gonna grab the broad sword you keep under your desk and ask “Which of you bitches is gonna cry uncle first!?”
And of course it’s ok to keep a broad sword under your desk! No you don’t have to ask for permission to have it there. Did goddamn Conan ask permission to carry a broad sword? No damnit! He was to busy giving one-hitters* to camels!

*One-Hitter – Common slang term used for a single blow delivered by an individual, usually with their fist, that leaves their rival in a broken mess on the floor.

Well maybe you haven’t gotten to that stage yet. Maybe swords and dry shaves are a little to edgy for you. If that’s the case, I feel sorry for your children. But if you take some of the advice we give you. Then you might be able step up your game enough to make yourself useful to a group of pipehitters ready to make a stand against the zombie hordes.

Since some of you are still having doubts about this, we have decided to wait until the last post to actually give you some helpful training tips to prepare yourself. So instead I’ll start with a list of movies and other valuable educational material you should review to get yourself ready. Don’t let lack of taking action take care of you.

Books

I only own three books and I have two copies of each. These two stacks of books are easily accessible and reviewed constantly. Starting Strength by Mark Rippetoe, The King James Bible, and Max Brooks’ “The Zombie Survival Guide” should be read constantly. The majority of the rest of the information you need is online, that’s where the real magic happens.

Internet

Most of you aren’t really ready to go down the rabbit hole yet, so I’ll spare you. But if you check only one site, check this. Any site that has a shirt that says “Fuck the Revolution, Bring on the Apocalypse” is good in my book. You might even see that it talks about this weekends ZombieCon, you could learn something that might save your life.

Movies

Just a small sample for you:
Rambo 1 – Learn how to “deal” with unfriendly “locals” and “Warlords” when the Zombie apocalypse destroys our civilized way of life. It won’t only be the undead you have to worry about, but those that want what you have. Remember, trust is for the weak, and believe me when I say it will be them that draws first blood, no pun intended.

Rambo 2 – Educational information on how to take out rambling hordes of Zombies with Jungle warfare tactics. (First Blood should have taught you how to deal with our native Northwest environments.) And let’s not forget learning the use of explosive arrows. Shock and awe, Robin Hood style.

BraveHeart and Training Day – These will teach you how to inspire a rowdy mob to make a stand against zombie invaders and also how to run shit in your neighborhood. This will come in handy when blocks become strongholds against Zombie blitzkriegs.

Zombie Land, Planet Terror, and Sean of the Dead are full of shit, That crap won’t ever happen. One viewing of Dawn of the Dead could save your life.
The Old Country Syllabus is also full of movies that will help you find those testicles buried deep down in there. But when all else fails, anything in life can be learned from a Patrick Swayze movie. Even Ghost…

Friday – Get ready for hell ladies, it’s time for Zombie Apocalypse strength and conditioning.

A Carrie and Z Joint Production