The Never Ending Battle for Truth, Justice, and for Maximum Jackage!

There is a name which has circulating through the gym. At first it was but a whisper. The name would be mentioned briefly, almost in passing, with a silent nod between the parties. That whisper grew to a chatter. The name began to make it’s way onto the posts, giving out inspirational quotes. No one knew who this person was, man or woman, old or young. But the legend grew and soon everyone began to wonder the same thought…

“Who is Captain Barbell?”

Who is this provoker of iron talk, this instigator of intensity, this champion of the gym? Is our fearless leader Z? Is the crafty veteran Greybeard? Is the unstoppable Roo? The intense Iceman? The silent assassin Hollywood? The comical Neil? No one knows, or knew until now. Every story has a beginning, an origin mind you. Here is Captain Barbells’.

It’s Halloween. I am walking from door to door with the “Earthquake” (aka Fox) and the “Hurricane” (aka Alura). I hear the sweet roar of Chewbacca in the crisp Seattle night air. This can mean only one thing, one of my brothers has just texted me. I look at my phone and see this text word for word from Z.

“Nickay there is Filipino super hero named Captain fucking Barbell. I need a post on this”

Captain fuckin Barbell

“Who is Captain Barbell?”

While the story has changed over the years due to retcons, movies, and a popular TV show, the basic tenants is the same. Enter Enteng, a poor, wimpy and skinny but kindhearted boy who always gets bullied because he is undersized . He tries to weight train to improve his physique but his poor status prevents him from doing so properly. Obviously Enteng never met Hannibal.

Anyway Enteng ends up buying an old, secondhand and rusty barbell and soon discovers that the barbell contains hidden powers. When he lifts it in one hand (strongman style course) and shouts the name “Captain Barbell”, he transforms into Captain Barbell, a superhero possessing invulnerability, super strength, x-ray vision, incredible speed and the power of flight. People who feel Captain Barbell is a rip off of Superman but those people just cannot appreciate the sheer awesomeness of Captain Barbell (and if we can be serious here, he is a rip off of Captain Marvel).

“Who is Captain Barbell?”

Captain Barbell is everything you want to be in the gym. Sets of 50, ha he does sets of 100. You deadlift, he Zercher deadlifts. You eat chicken breast and veggies every meal, he eats rice, lumpia, rice, tocino, and fried rice and still looks better.

Even Captain America tries to get as strong as Captain Barbell

Every great hero needs a great villain, Batman needs the Joker, Superman Lex Luthor, Wolverine Sabertooth. Who in the Philippine Islands is said villain. His main arch nemesis is Viel Villian (yes that is spelled correctly). But don’t worry Enteng befriends Viel’s son after saving him in a car crash while secretly being Captain Barbell and he searchs to figure out who saved him with Enteng’s help… wait a minute isn’t that the first like 4 seasons of Smallville? Maybe there is more to the Superman rip off theory.

Another major foe of Captain Barbell is Aerobika, a once an overweight schoolteacher who was driven to try all sorts of weight-loss remedies in an attempt to forestall her rapidly descending self-esteem. On an impulse, she uses some herbs from her backyard for a new brew of tea infused with the element which the magical barbell is made from. This super tea slims her down into a buxom beauty obsessed with making everyone conform to her newfound standards of beauty. I felt like I saw Aerobika somewhere else, where was that?

I knew you couldn't trust that gym!

“Who is Captain Barbell?”

He is the protector of the weight room (and downtown Manila), the patron saint of iron if you will  Today OCS celebrates you. Guide us on our way.

Captain fuckin Barbell squats. Do you?

 Posted by Nickay

2 Responses to “The Never Ending Battle for Truth, Justice, and for Maximum Jackage!”

  1. Captain Barbell we meet again. I have been expecting you…..

  2. Who Indeed????

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