“Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are”

So as Halloween dawns on us, we here at OCS have a confession to make. Last year we explored the impeding Zombie Apocalaypse, how to determine when it has occured , sources to strengthen the mind, and tips to harden the body to survive of this horrific event. You may have been taking this advice to heart, creating your contingency plan for the inevitable.

Yeah about that, listen, uh well… We fucked up.

I’m sorry, I really am. We got it all wrong, we misread the signs. There is not going to be a Zombie Apocalaypse. But before you let out a sigh of relief realizing you will not have to live through a George Romero movie, it’s actually worse. What can it be worse than hordes of the walking dead stalking the land messing up your week….

That’s right, fucking vampires.

Hey hold on with all the yelling, this could have happened to anyone. It’s not my fault. The morgues start filling with dead bodies with people who look like they have been mauled by an animal and than said bodies disappear, zombies was a very plausible conclusion to draw. So I didn’t ask if any of the victims were attacked during the day or if the victim’s blood was drained, honest mistake, could have happened to anyone. Now is not a time to freak out, every scary movie has at least one member of the group who get’s killed because some motherfucker loses his cool and shots someone else. You need to stop dwelling on the past and start focusing on the terrifying future. The undead will be soon sweeping across planet like a wildfire but unlike the mindless walkers you worried about on “The Walking Dead vampires are ruthless and organized, remember our mantra; “Take action before lack of taking action takes care of you.” 

Unlike Z-Day which would likely start in a major metropolitan area before hitting the Pacific Northwest, the vampire apocalaypse could start anywhere, from the sprawling major city (Seattle) to rough and tumble big town (Bend OR) to the quaint small hamlet (Cle Elum). Because it could strike anywhere, you need to be on your toes for the bloodsuckers and we need to go over warning signs. First there are some Specific Places you should not be visiting anytime soon (or ever again): Blood banks, raves, swimming pools are a good start in bigger cities. In smaller locales try to avoid the scary mansion on Shadowbrook Lane or basically any place isolated from the rest of town, the isolation makes these places the appetizer of the vampire assault. Besides these easily detected dens of the undead, you should be on the look out for places with weird glyphs on the outside, soundproof walls, and entrances requiring going down a flight of stairs (basically basements are off limits).

Maybe you’re saying, “But I like techno, and Basement bars are my thing.”
Maybe your thinking I’m smart, I know the signs, I’ll be fine. With an attitude like that you’re likely to disappear like a virgin on prom night at Sunnydale High and end up some Suck Puppies Cabana Boy. Doesn’t sound like a bad way to spend eternity until you realize you’re a 300 pound cross dressing vampires love slave and nosferatu aren’t know for being gentle. Doesn’t sound so awesome now huh hot-shot.

No, if you even knew something about vampires that’s be something. But you don’t, you know less than nothing. And the fact that you know less than nothing makes you a liability. If you choose to turn a blind eye to what we tell you that’s your deal. The herds gonna thin itself out when the shit really hits the fan, one way or another.

Think you don’t need advice? Think you know your shit? Keep a look out for a pair of fangs, a lack of a tan, or maybe a scrunched up brow. What do you think this is amateurs hour? How are you supposed to help stop this shit from happening with thinking like that? You Help? Look at your thought process, like a scared kid pretending the boggy man isn’t in the closet. You’re not ready to roll with this. I mean, I see how people dress to bang now. Five Finger toe shoes? What the fuck, is that’s supposed to be tactical?

Here’s a Hunters outlook to what you need to wrap your thought process around real quick…

Major problem, mainstream media has lied to you. They got you thinking all kinds of dangerous thoughts, like that vampires shine like diamonds, that they have feelings, and other bullshit like that. “Oh I such a tortured soul Bella, I can’t stand seeing you with that Jacob, I will fight him with my two little fangs“. That shit is going to get you killed and worse get a member of the Club killed. Your vampire apocalypse is going to have two main types of vampires to watch out. First is this guy…

If you see a 6’2″ white skin mother fucker with eyes like they are full of oil and a mouth like that of a Tiger shark, congratulations you have found a vampire. But this guy is easy, he’s the foot soldier. He’s like spotting a T-800 endoskelton walking around causing a ruckus. No the ones you need to be on the look out for are the less than obvious ones, the ones that can pass off as human.

So let’s what should I be asking myself about this guy I just met at the bar. Are his clothes musty like he sleeps in them? Do they look like he has been lying on the ground…or under it? Does he keep talking about the time had Norwegian Sailors with William H. Bonney?

What about this hot and slutty girl all over me, is she too hot and too slutty for this place? If she was in South Beach her outfit would work, but not at the Alki Tavern (another place you should avoid). Does she have a stain on her dress which she claims is red wine but has a copper smell to it? Does she never look in the mirror? Is she too physical…you know what I’m talking about. These are warning signs. Lets face it, the inflitrator vampire is out of your league. Ignore these choices and there is a 10% chance you get laid and a 90% chance Z will be yelling at Roo “What’s in the box?”

Finally, let’s go over some vampire traits. Super strength? Check. Night vision? Check. Extraordinary smell? Check. Oozing sex appeal? Remember this only occurs half the time, see above. Has feelings for humans other than hunger aka soul? Only one vampire has had a soul. Speaks a weird lanaguage referencing La Magra? Check. Shines like a diamond in the sunlight? Alright I need to put this one to bed. Vampires do shine like diamonds…for a quarter of a second before they start on fire. The ultraviolet spectrum of light burns vampires, end of story. If you want to believe that  Twilight bullshit go get into someone else’s fox hole. Anyway now that we can identify the enemy next installment we will call on the masters on how to kill the children of the night.

A Z and Nickay Filer Joint

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4 Responses to ““Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are””

  1. They got the sparkly vampire thing wrong, though the Twilight series does make a good point about the darkness of the PNW– it’s dark here. Often. Lengthens the stalking hours indeed.

    • Oh indeed the Pacific Northwest would be a fucking turkeyshoot for vampires what with it being darker than normal places due to the trees blocking out that vicious sunlight as well as giving the opportunity like the Predator to jump from tree to tree in pursuit.

      Also pepole go missing in the Pacific Northwest… a lot. You think it is odd that we have not only an above average number of serial killers but we have ones that range into the 20s? Vampires realize this shit.

      So Twilight did make a good point about the stalking hours and also got right that vampires drink blood, have fangs, and live forever. They just got everything else wrong (which is knowledge I will drop if necessary).

      • We got gloom for sure in the NorthWest, which is a problem. We also have a large number of “Locals” bars. These are dangerous cause it lures you into a false sense of security.

        “Hey let’s hit the tavern…”

        “Who let those fuckers from Bellevue in?”

        “They came with So-and-So, he’s a Towny so they must not be that bad…”

        Well SO-AND-SO just sold you and all your other local buddies out. Cause those “fancy” Bellevue boys are Vampires. Now your really fucked. Gotta learn to spot that shit.

        The Best Defense is a Good Offense, so start by keeping “Locals” Bars, LOCALS ONLY Bars and if So-AND-SO who is a Local starts sniffing your neck while your lining a shot at the pool table you know somethings up and what to do with that Cue stick.

  2. They came with so and so, is what you hear right before blood-rave. other things in bars that come in handy for slaying fangs are: chair legs, darts, even chopsticks could work especially if they have recently been used on crispy garlic chicken

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