“Grow up Count Chocula…”

We prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse last year with one thought in mind.

“Take action before Lack of Taking Action takes Care of You…”

We taught you how to train, how to think, how to be prepared. Well we’ve learned from our mistakes. The Club isn’t some group of freedom radicals hiding in the foothills of Montana, living on MREs and whipping our butts with bark waiting for something to happen. No we’ve been on the ground with our noses in it since the whole thing began. We’re not waiting to take action, so grow up and grow a pair Count Chocula. We’re Americans, and Americans are winners. If we want to survive the Vampire Apocalypse, we need to stop the Vampire Apocalypse.

Did Rocky wait for Drago to come to him? Did we wait for the Germans to Bomb Pearl Harbor Again? Did Bodhi really wait for his set or did he go out and fucking get it!!!

We are gonna take on this Vampire problem the American way, “The Best defense, is a nutt kicking Offense…”

Nickay and myself have spent our whole adolescent and professional lives preparing for this. People thought our Mother reading Anne Rice to us was odd, that listing to vampire novels on cassette on family road trips was weird. It wasn’t, it was invaluable. We know every fact or fiction about Nosferatu (you know what Dead Man Blood is? Thought so). And it wasn’t just books and legends that we learned from. It was the Hunters immortalized on film that came before the Club where we really learned the bones of the Trade. Below is a true life group of who’s who in Vampire Hunting.

The Hunters Hall of Fame

#4

This Hunter’s story is somewhat overshadowed by involvement of his younger friends and eventually the Legendary Abraham Van Helsing. But this Hunter’s youth could not stem his hate of the Vampire Nation. His inner rage and tendency for vigilante justice on Vampire and bully alike would later find him a number of stays in federal correctional institutes. He would drop of the grid all together in his mid twenties and is believed to have been picked up by the Company to head up their efforts to stop the Apocalypse in Cambodia. Who am I talking about?

Rudy:

#3

You’ll find with most Hunters that attitude is part of the uniform. You saw Wild West Hunter Jack Crow give us his take on Vampires on Monday. But old Jack ain’t the only Hunter patrolling the Southwest. There is Seth Gecko, an Outlaw on the run who found himself held up in a Strip Club (what’d we tell you about sketchy locations) full of Vampires in the spawning of his career. He would lose his brother but eliminate a major Vampire stronghold due to his efforts. Seth disappeared into Old Mexico where he continues his bloody campaign against Vampires to this very day.

Seth Gecko:

#2

As fate would have it,  the Gecko’s weren’t the only ironically named brothers to find themselves at odds with the coming Vampire Apocolypse. These next Hunters are a bit closer to us here in the Northwest, hailing from Santa Carla, California. Much like Rudy these two started young. But unlike our Seth Gecko, they put themselves willingly in the Vampires paths.

The Frog Brothers:

Edgar and Alan Frog took a stand in a town that was letting Vampires walk all over it. After their stint in Santa Carla, the Brothers would go off the reservation. Alan’s body would show up years later in an alley in Phoenix with a Stake in his heart. Whether it was Edgar saving his brother or simply Vampire retaliation is unknown. What is known is that Edgar has made his way back to the shores of California and is still active but very much a recluse.

#1

All the prior Hunters shared a common theme of going underground to fight the good fight. Be it heat from Vampires or the FBI/Federales sick of dealing with the aftermath (a tragic necessity in the offense against the Apocalypse), all are forced to go dark. Except those that refuse to hide. For some the need to hit radio silence is a neccesity to continue the fight. Others spit in the eye of anyone that tells them what to do.

This last group is as public as they are clandestine. No group of Hunters has made more news stints then these three. But any Hunter worth their salt should sit back and take notes. They may not always get along but they get the job done.

The Night Stalkers:

Hannibal, Abigale, and Blade (thats right the hall of famer, if you need a refresher course, wellI don’t knowhmm) take the fight out of the shadows for everyone to see. The only time they are off the frontlines is when they’re regrouping and thats never for long. Look at their track record, you can’t argue with their results and are the standard for why a the best defense is a good offense.

You know the enemy and how to spot them, you know those that became before you. Friday let’s get down to business…

A Z and Nickay Joint

Advertisements

18 Responses to ““Grow up Count Chocula…””

  1. Michelle B Says:

    anyone seen Let the Right In? or he American re-make called “Let Me In” ?

    • Michelle, why do you think I said put swimming pools of the list of places you want to avoid? I added a hyperlink to the movie.

      That’s wrong with vampires, they have no morals. A zombie is a mindless automon but a vampire purposefully chose to turn that character in the movie. Goddamn bloodsuckers.

  2. An informative documentary on this topic aired recently. I believe it was called Twilight. Look it up. Now it appears that brooding, leering, and falling in star-crossed love are critical aspects of daily vampire life. Also removing one’s shirt is encouraged.

    • Matthew McConaughey is a vampire…

      • While Matthew does not own a shirt and he does has this shine…dare I say aura around him, he is not a Vampire. I am not sure there is a celebrity who is at the beach more the McConaughey and therefore in direct sunlight. Do not be swayed by Brother’s Sky wrong dare I say reckless claims above.

      • day walker?

      • Could be a Daywalker

      • Interesting question. Matthew never looks like he uses a mirror and he is the new spokeperson for beef (it whats for dinner). I think there is a stronger likelihood though that if was involved in V-Day it would be as a familiar.

    • That’s the type of misinformation which is going get your head as the hood ornament for a vampire’s car. Vampires are not fucking emo teenagers like Twlight would lead you to believe. And the love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob. Give me a fucking break. Both seem like spot on boyfriends huh, one is a debiie downer who leaves at the first sign of a relationship (I doing this for you) and the other is a freaking werewolf and while I do not like to go off of stereotypes but is likely to be abusive boyfriend (Grrr you make me so mad, you know what happens when I get mad). Dating a werewolf is like dating Beast from Beauty and the Beast, he seems like a nice guy but next thing you know you’re in the ER saying you feel down some stairs and scratched yourself when the stuffed polar bear fell on you.

      Bring it.

      • I need to try that I’m a Vampire so I have to leave angle. Thats right up there with saying you can’t be together anymore cause you are now deaf and mute from coming up to fast from Deep Sea Diving looking for buried treasure.

      • People helping people. It’s powerful stuff Z.

  3. i thought this was going to be about cereal

  4. Matt Brenton Says:

    I may be crossing the line (and films) here but in my head this shit sounded good so here ya go… Dracula (vampire pimp numero uno) was played by Gary Oldman- who in ‘the Professional’ got smoked by Jean Reno who mentored Natilie Portman who went on to bone who?? Darth Vader – Muthafuckas- oh shit but the train don’t stop there Vader got his as whooped by his son Luke who was mentored by.. Yoda- played by Frank Oz- who also played.. Fozzie Bear who to my knowledge has never had his ass whooped. My point– Fozzy Bear is a Bad Ass MotherFucker Vampire Killa in disguise… Just my 2 cents.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: