“You aim for the Head or the Heart. Anything else, is your Ass… “

This is it, this is your last chance to listen before the weekend hits. You think this shits gonna be like Thriller? Fuck no it’s not. These aren’t dancing Zombie’s we’re talking about here. Organized undead hate, we’re talking god damn Vampires. These thing don’t just want to eat you, they want to turn you, they want you to turn your friends, your families, anyone you’ve ever known, anyone you’ve ever fucking loved.

You take the prey drive of a wolf or a lion mix it with the though process of Charles Manson, that’s what you’re dealing with.

And dealing with it won’t be pretty, you’re not double tapping a Vampire and walking away. “Two in the head make sure their dead” aint cutting it with Nosferatu. You need to unload a silver clip in it’s face and chest then drag that fucker out into the light of day for its last painful moments.

We haven’t spent the last week getting you up to speed just to teach Vampires a lessons in humanity. Vampires ain’t got no humanity. They’re mass murderin’ fanged maniacs and they need to be Dee-stroyed. That’s why any and every son of a bitch vampire we find, well they’re gonna die.

If you’re lucky enough to come out the other side of the tunnel this weekend then you need to start preparing to go on the offensive.

The Filer boys are ready to let you in on some Trade secrets. If you’re wise you’ll listen, our track record speaks for itself (How many Vampires live in West Seattle? Exactly). If you haven’t heard we ain’t in the prisoner-takin’ business, we in the killin’ VamPRICKs business. And cousin, business is a-boomin’.

The Hunters Guide
Top Ten Ways to prepare

#1 – Learn Kung Fu
That’s right, Kung Fu. Not karate, or Jiu Jitsu, or boxing. Kung FU, like straight up Bruce or Jet Lee shit. Because you know what? It seems every fucken Vampire knows that shit. And they are dialed in. If Muhammad Ali floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, Vampires float like a Black Hawk and strike like a fucken Seal Team. And its not with hooks and jabs. These fuckers are throwing spinning back fists and bicycle kicks. If you lose your element of surprise, your hunt is going to become hand-to-hand combat real quick, so you’ll need to know how to use your mitts. But this does lead to the next point…

#2 – This isn’t a knifefight, this is a “Bring a gun to knife fight” World

Vampires like any good predator rely on their god given abilities to bushwhack their prey every chance they get. Well you need to be ready to do the same. You need realize this is a war, and the point of war isn’t to fight honorably and die for one’s cause but to kill the other guy without dying and that means fighting dirty. Vampires can’t leave their nest in daylight? Good. That’s when you hit the fuckers. You find the Vampire sleeping in his nest do you wake him up for a fair fight? You wake him up… with 18 inches of Northwest lumber though the heart.

#3 – You’re gonna to need guns, lots of guns


(And don’t ever let someone tell you this shit won’t work without Rick Jamesing them)

#4 – Close combat weapons (I’ll take Swords for a thousand)

You already know karate, your hands are deadly weapons, lets up the ante. Blades are good, katanas the best… When it comes to Swords. But we’re American, we don’t need a katana. For one it’s hard to make your rounds at the local watering holes with a God Damn Honzo Sword strapped to your back(which you can pick up for 250 bucks in El Paso). Us local Hunters rely on the same blade that took down Dracula. Thats right, a fucken Bowie knife. Any hunter worth his salt should be able to take out an approaching vampire with a Bowie Knife. And when you reach the apex of your hunting…

You should be dropping one liners with a Austrian accent.

#5 – You don’t need to look like Tarzan but you do need to fight like a lion

Hunters come in all shapes and sizes, some are chiseled like Blade but many are not. It’s ok, a six pack is not necessary to kills Vampires, functional strength is.  In your spare time from sparring in the dojo, sharpening your weapons, or throwing one down at the bar you need in the gym be working on cleans, jerks, and squats to become a power athelete. Bench press to throw a bride of the undead through a window and into the sunlight. Sledge hammering to build the muscles up to decapitate your foe. There is one muscle you really want to train and that is…

#6 – Traps

What’s the best way to prevent a Vampire from biting your neck? Having so much muscle they don’t get the jugular. Traps are the armor the protect neck. Theres a reason they dont outfit crash test dummies with traps. Cause there’d be no impact to register after slamming that test car into the wall. Shoring up your brain case with thick developed traps is like turning your upper body into a fucking Sherman tank. Vampire tries to mount you from behind like a horny teen, shrug that blood sucker off and go to stake town on his ass.

How do you take that fragile vine neck of yours to Ogre status? SHRUGS, lots of them. I’m talking about investing in a power rack in your room so the first thing you do in the morning is get up strap on a belt and hit some ten plate shrugs. No I ain’t joking, directly out of bed to the rack. I dont care if your standing there in your birthday suit with a 3 ply belt strapped around your waist. Shrugs every morning. And this is like brushing your teeth but you best not forget, you gotta hit them in the morning and evening.

#7 – Transportation

You need a hard top ride with a jack rabbit engine, four doors, a tow winch, and plenty room in the back for weapons and the occassional body. More importantly, it needs to be reliable, don’t be that guy.

#8 – The Cloths make the Hunter

There’s one thing ever hunter needs, a Leather Jacket. Skins are a hunter best friend. Easy to hose off (cause this job gets messy, real messy) and anybody walking around in a leather that looks like its been through Fallujah is not to be fucked with. Vampires recognize it and any drunk frat boy should as well or they’re likely to end up on the wrong end of a black jack (never hit a human with your hands, especially your shooting hand one broken finger can be life or death if a vampire is waiting).

#9 – Brass Balls

This shit ain’t for the faint of heart. Vampires are fear embodied. You need to be ready for anything and everything when on the hunt. You walk into a room and there is arterial spray all over the walls, chunks of flesh on the floor, and the Vampire is a little girl, it’s easy to lose your way. Even if your best friend dies, you need the resolve to finish the job. And the best way to draw strength is in numbers which why you need…

#10 – A Solid Crew

A Hunter without a crew to back him up will find himself as the main course at Vampsgiving. And that’s what we’ve been trying to do this week. Wake you fuckers up to see the Real World. It’s not sun shine and roses. It’s ugly and if your not watching its gonna bend you over and suck you dry. The I/C still believes in Truth, Justice, and the American Way. If you don’t you may as well let Vampires and terrorists run the show but We aren’t gonna let that happen.

We’ve crammed as much info into this week as wee can to get you ready for this weekend. It’s up to you to make the choice if your gonna roll with it or not. You could be part of a solid crew, but right now your still so wet behind the ears you cant tell a meth head from a blood hunger Vampire. Time to wise up and sharpen that bowie knife my friend. We aren’t talking about playing keep away here, we’re talking about talking the fight to them.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense. Figure this shit out quick or you may wake up one day and find yourself extinct…

A Z and Nickay Filer Joint

3 Responses to ““You aim for the Head or the Heart. Anything else, is your Ass… “”

  1. Traps = Winner. Or shall I say, Survivor

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