“You’ll shoot your eye out kid”

‘Tis the season” but you know what, I ain’t jolly. And this is a probem, a big problem. You see, I love Christmas, I mean that’s a given seeing as I am an large man who happens to be named Nick. But Christmas is under siege from a plethora of problems and something needs to be done about it. So batten down the hatches, this is the official I/C rant on the state of Christmas in the Northwest.

Shopping

Now I know Christmas shopping has always been a pain but I be damned if it hasn’t gotten worse. This year after getting most of my shopping done at the malls, I starting to think Tyler Durbin may not have been wrong with the whole Project Mayhem thing. I mean it was literally painful to me this year for a couple reasons why.

1. Online shopping

The rise of online shopping you think would reduce the mall traffic and it may do so to a certain extent but it leads to pushier sales people. I can’t stand pushy sales people. Thanks for asking me how I am but if I wanted help I would ask you dipshit. And gone are the day where the person asks just once, I got asked by a person 3 times. I gave the guy the best “Are you fucking kiddding me?” look and left the store. But online shopping is even worse because I go into a store, I see a shirt, and say I need that shirt. Their response? Oh we are out of stock you will have to order it offline. Ok, when can I expect it? Well we can hit it shipped to the store before Christmas but you will have to pay S&H. Wait, I have to pay the shipping and handling for a shirt to be shipped with a 100 other shirts coming to your store? Yes. I felt like stunnering the guy right there. Also I like to look at cloths to see if they fit before I buy them (they don’t make ogre size yet). But taking the cake I had friend walk into a store, find the perfect present ask to buy it and got told that it was a display model only and that she needed order it offline. Craziness.

2. The death of the movie store

It is established that the Filers love movies, well good luck finding those anymore. I went to a major electronics store in Bellevue that rhymes with Rest Rye to buy a movie for a family member and I shit you not they had like 5 racks for movies. After looking I asked if they had the movie and I was told to order it online (grrr…..). And everyplace has more space devoted to Blu-Ray than regular DVDs. A. I don’t have a Blu-Ray player dick and B. Why would I want to spend $35 bucks on a Blu-Ray movie? I rather get 3 regular DVDs. Thank god for Frys in Renton.

Music

As integral part of Christmas as presents and milk and cookies for Santa is Christmas music. Silent Night, Jingle Bells, All I Want for Christmas is You, hearing these songs brings a smile to my face. But the music industry is trying to screw this up. I understand that musicians like Christmas music too, but have some fucking self restraint people. It used to be good singers would come out with Christmas albums ( i.e. Mariah Carey and ole blue eyes) but now everyone has to have a Christmas album. Lady fucking Gaga? A Christmans album? Justin Bieber? Don’t get started on that runt. His “duet” of All I Want for Christmas is being played instead of the original and is making me want to buy a plane ticket, rent a car, and run his mop head down. Hell I rather listen to Larry the Cable Guy than listen to that punk.

Season greetings

I have no idea when this started, but everyone wants to say “Happy Holidays” nowadays. What? It’s “Merry Christmas” assholes. If you celebrate something else, let me know. I’ll tell you “Happy Hannukkah” or “Happy Kwanza” or “Happy Scientology Day” but two days before Christmas I’m going to say “Merry Christmas” because it Jesus’ birthday and he deserves a shout out (especially after the bang up job he has been doing with the Denver Broncos). Also on this subject is Christmas cards. Now I don’t mind when I get a card from someone of their family but if you don’t got kids do really need to send me a card, its kinda conceited. I mean thats just my opinion.

Closing

What happened to the good old days? I remember Christmas used to be shopping for fun things at the last minute in Sharper Image and pushing stacks of stuff animals over in FAO Swartz and making it look like your brother knocked them over, now your choices are H&M or American Eagle…oh god. I yearn for those days to return, Christmas is my favorite time of year. Until the Northwest gets back to normal I’ll be hanging with Roddy Pipper’s, Christmas is his favorite time too.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Posted by Nickay

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12 Responses to ““You’ll shoot your eye out kid””

  1. Future James Says:

    I remember this Christmas well, I had the worst Bieberfever ever. I almost developed a heat rash from it. That guy could sing like a angel even back then.

    Good Times, Good times….

  2. Dear future James,

    If you bring up your love of Bieber again I’ll hit you so hard I’ll kill present James.

    • Nick, I believe Bieber’s Christmas single is “Mistletoe” with Selena Gomez… right James?

    • If you hit Present james that hard wouldn’t that kill Future James?

      • Yes if I layeth the smackdown on Present James’ ass it would kill Future James, that is Skynet Logic. I going to hit Future James so hard his ancestors are going to feel it.

  3. Amen, Nick.

  4. Happy Scientology Day everyone! My Christmas wish is that Tom Cruise buys a football team that goes head to head with the Broncos in the deity bowl.

  5. No CDs, DVDs, or books. Or clothes. Just a stack of gift cards.

  6. Fuck I miss you guys….

    PS us normal Canadians are REALLY REALLY sorry about fucknuts like Justin Bieber. I’d lock his ass in an igloo if I got the chance….

  7. I’d like to see nickay give beiber the stunner. That’s what I want for Christmas. Oh and a free & united cascadia. One nation, under dwayne the rock Johnson and Patrick swayzes ghost.

  8. Pretty nice post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to mention that I have truly loved browsing your weblog posts. After all I will be subscribing on your feed and I hope you write once more very soon!

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