“There are certain rules that one must abide in order to successfully survive a horror movie!”

This Halloween we are discussing slashers, let’s get into what you need to do survive.

Track work

Cardio just ain’t there to protect you against zombies, you’ll need it when a crazed knife wielder comes after you. But to truly survive you will need to be evened out. And by that I mean you will need to be good in both in sprints and long distance. Now first and foremost you need to master the sprint because when that killer starts coming after you need to be able to go and go in a hurry. I am talking turn and burn baby.

A big mistake I have learned from my investigations is the total break down of form when a slasher appears. Remember keep those arms fixed in a good position and work them like pistons, none of this flailing arm crap.

Also slashers seem to jump out from hidden spots a lot, you need lateral explosive too. Hopefully your AC and MCLs are in good working. Some cone drills and shuttle runs are recommended.

Also if you are facing a higher chance of slasher attack due to age/profession/indifference to drinking and premartial sex on Halloween, you should highly consider practicing lik you play. What do I mean, try building up the toughness of your bare feet because there is a good chance you will not have your shoes when you are attacked. What you need your Innovates to not do a duck waddle when you run? You can tell that to the killer while lacing up right before you catch a machete to the head. And while it would it would seem that a high school girl in heels can outrun the stalker, she eventually rolls her ankle before getting caught. Also since most attacks take place around Halloween or some special occassion, you might to put a few miles in a costume/dress/tuxedo, you know to just get a feel for it.

But don’t think that being a 100m star is enough, you see besides knowing all the shortcuts, many killers have what I deem the killers walk. It is almost a fast march, not a run. Look at Michael Myers or the hook guy in I Know What You Did Last Summer, they use this pace perfectly and guess what? They don’t get tired but their victims do. So you need to be able to run longer distances too. Don’t take my word for it, you know who gets this? Nike.

Simply put if the killer can’t catch up, he can’t kill you (Editors Note: This is hoping your slasher does not have access to range weapons).


I know parkour may not be the most Old Country Strong thing but it is essential to surviving a slasher attack. First when you are getting chased you will not be on a track, you will likely be running in an environment with obstacles. If you are in a field (which could happen it fell for the whole let’s go to the country side angle I said to look at for prior) it may not work, but in an urban setting, an abandoned factory, hell even the woods, it will pay in spades. You bounce off a garbage can, off the house wall, and on top of the garage Michael Myers will just stare at you with those lifeless eyes. And try to find a way up. Parkour will give you that extra minute you need to get to the police station.

If do not feel like you want to attend a parkour class at least  do some rope climbs or a couple rounds on the Salmon ladder, because you will need to climb at some point and if you can’t pull an Assassin’s Creed than you have to do it the old fashioned way.


Doing some hammer workouts will definitely help out. Besides giving you some beastmode strength, if you will help strengthen muscles you don’t normally use, specifically those muscles you need to swing whatever foreign object you pick up to defend yourself with (the slasher isn’t fighting fair, neither should you). You probably will not be lucky enough to have an actual “weapon”, such as a knife or an axe, you will probably have some odd farm tool or random blunt object which may break after first use, so you better make that shot count. I recommend using the heaviest sledge you can pick up in your gym, you nught not be able to do 25 strikes L than 25 strikes R, but you will get that strength for the 2 shots you will in the middle of the slasher attack.

A couple more quick hitters for the road, stay in groups (splitting up is a horrible idea) and please remember if you see  dark deserted alley way…you know what if I have to tell you that one you are probably not going to make it anyway.

Posted by Nickay

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